Wayne Townsend, Consultant
919-961-5825    wayne0877@earthlink.net
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February 20th, 2014

2/20/2014

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The difference between our normal state of mind and our minds and bodies affected by stress can be quite dramatic.  I think it is important for us to have some awareness of how stress changes us and how we manage that change. Especially when I am unexpectedly stressed, I become quite angry nearly to the point of rage. My thinking turns negative,  critical of others, impatient, even contemptuous.  My "pace" quickens and my mind races.  I want to scream.  Happened  this morning when my computer was acting sluggish. (the computer and the nearby window are thankfully still intact).


You see the primary, rather primitive, "reactive choices" created by stress are "fight or flight". Both are highly reactive and emotionally charged as our rational brain is overwhelmed. This includes "trying harder", arguing and yelling or  running away. It generates negativity and also "escape fantasies".   


Chronic ongoing stress can be much more serious, even deadly.  Our health and self-care choices are impaired. We can sink into helplessness and depression, or fall prey to the short term relief of substance abuse or impulsive decisions.  Yikes.


Recognition and awareness are key. At that point there are several strategies that can be employed to regain some measure of self control and rational thinking in the moment so we can regain and expand our choices.  One is to keep the negatives "specific" (it is that driver, not all drivers).  Emotions are often nicely counterbalanced by facts / data.  "This computer is taking forever vs the file took 1 minute to load". Another important one is to "see it coming" and prepare ourselves for "how we want to be" instead of how circumstances are forcing us to be. 

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Just a Few Seconds

2/19/2014

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Wisdom can come from many sources. Sometimes just one good idea to get you thinking can make a big difference. I have followed Sadhguru for a while, especially his many videos on YouTube and his FaceBook page. Check it out and please share any sources you value. I am glad to pass them along.

These ideas fit into my collection of strategies to increase one's se

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Rusty Wheels

2/16/2014

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In a recent Car Talk column, written by Tom & Ray Magliozzi, a woman had written seeking advice on how to repair the wheels on her car that had begun to rust.  While functionally safe, it was the appearance that gave her bad feelings about the car.  They gave her several options, including doing nothing. But then they made a much more important point.  They urged her to do something because "if you begin to hate your car (for whatever reason) you'll take lousy care of it. ...you'll  stop fixing things. Then you stop maintaining things.  You subconsciously turn it into a piece of junk so you can justify getting rid of it."

Whether it is car tires, a home, a relationship,  our school work or careers,   if bad feelings set in and attempts to solve problems fail, we "stop maintaining things".    For example, a student might adopt an "I don't care" attitude out of frustration and a need to "reduce the pain" by caring less.  But then work they were capable of doing also goes undone.   Our "attitude" becomes more critical, negative.   Bad feelings, dissatisfactions,  create a growing disconnect as we emotionally distance ourselves and begin looking for "greener pastures". Something better.  Something to feel good about.   It might mean selling the car when spending a small sum to fix the tires was a better solution.


We need to be aware of our feelings but then "think things through" before making a decision. If by doing so we invest our time and energy to  improving things, and get quality results, we will then feel better and "more connected".   Ever wash and vacuum your car and then while out for a drive "feel like it is running much better than before"?   Or get through a difficult conversation and then feel closer to the other? 

Lastly, I am sometimes asked about how to be happier and have been working on a definition of that feeling that would inform a plan. For now, to keep it simple, I have settled on "exceeds expectations".  If the outcome of our efforts or involvements exceeds our predictions, we feel good.   If the woman in the article has high expectations, then she will be in continuous conflict and never satisfied.  That is a more comprehensive topic for future discussion. 

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Control

2/14/2014

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A  family member recently posted this inspirational saying on FaceBook as an example of leadership.  


The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The leader adjusts the sails.
-John Maxwell


Much broader than its intended message, I believe this is a very important lesson about life.  No matter the challenge, you will almost always be more effective if you focus more on "what you can control" (sails in this example)  and less on "what you can not control" (wind).  My clients have heard this many times in recent years as this principle has been a primary focus of much of my counseling.  


After several sessions, a physician plopped down excitedly in her chair announcing the revelation of the week: "When I am in control of myself, I handle EVERYTHING  better. When I am not, I handle very few things well."  She graduated from therapy a short time later.



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Purpose

2/5/2014

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Everything we do, whether we are conscious of it or not, has a purpose.  Why are we doing what we are doing? "Why" helps clarify and define purpose and therefore planning, decision-making, and follow through, especially when facing challenges.  "Why" can be used negatively as a criticism, but it is still a very important question. Even if the asker is presenting a challenge, we are well served when we can offer an articulate (non-defensive) answer.  

But when our purpose changes, our actions must change also. If not, then both will become meaningless and without  essential energy and power.  Purpose determines the quality of the destination AND the journey
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Action Board vs Vision Board for 2014

2/2/2014

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Check this out. More evidence that action trumps imagining.  Some of these principles are counterintuitive (negative thoughts can sometimes produce better results that positive imaginings). I have known people to use Vision Boards very positively, but only those who followed up on their dreams with hard work, putting in the time.

So for 2014: Action Board time

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-blame-game/201205/throw-away-your-vision-board-0

You might also want to check out Carol Dweck's book  "The Mindset" or watch some of her interviews on YouTube.
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    In this new blog I have added entries from a past website of mine and some new  thoughts for your review ...  and to hopefully give you something useful to think about. I look forward to hearing from you.

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