Many in the fields of business, sports, or philosophy talk about the relative importance of, and conflicts between, process vs the outcome (or result) focus. When faced with difficult or stressful situations we might habitually focus our attention on one or the other.  In 1983 Ellen Langer of Harvard University wrote in The Psychology of Control that “... the difference between (the two) can be conceptualized as the difference between two questions:... ‘Can I do it’ versus ‘How do I do it’. The first question focuses attention on “the supposed (or possible) limitations of the self as a problem solver” and presents a risk to self esteem. The second question focuses attention “away from the self and (instead) on various strategies by which the problem might be solved”.  Their research went on to show that in many situations those who naturally, or by intentional training, focused on the process of an activity would later “perceive themselves to be more in control and to display greater confidence in their ability to solve it than those who focused on outcome only”.

Professional golfers who must focus their skill over 4 days usually find that process thinking helps them stay in the moment under pressure and is more relaxing (controllable). Gymnasts report similar experiences. Their “result” then tends to be more personally positive or successful.  Bosses or managers that focus intensely on “results” only (the end justifies the mean, pun intended) often create significant stress in their employees.  Same for parents with school performance or child-sport issues.  How about its affect on a marriage?  Short term success in productivity is sometimes shown under these circumstances but turnover rates, stress, conflicts, and threats to one’s esteem can be high prices to pay.

“Can you do it”:  Yes  or   No

“Let’s talk about ‘HOW’ to solve this problem or accomplish this task”

To be a good problem solver first requires that you be good a good problem “definer”.  Taking a  moment to ask “what is the actual problem?” or “how is this a problem?” can help you focus on effective action and reduce trial and error.

Of course, the best problem solvers are the “problem preventers”.

I have learned a few things over the years, lessons taught to me by my clients and by life. Here are a several.

The foundation of self esteem is not accomplishment, but self control.

I can not effectively manage, or change, that which I can not control.

My reactions to something or someone are not always an accurate measurement of that “something or someone” but can be useful information about me and my relationship to it or them.

If I want to make a problem “bigger” I need simply to “take it personally” and “make it about me”.  Works almost every time.

Enthusiasm: a feeling of lively interest, positive expectancy. We have all heard and believe the saying by Mr. Cousins that “laughter is the best medicine”. I propose that enthusiasm is very good medicine. What do men, women, children, parents, employers, co-workers, friends want? They want what we are all naturally drawn to - the apparent joy and happiness expressed by enthusiasm in “ourselves and others”.  

Without it, the destructive stress of too much “don’t want to” and “have to” and “shoulds” is significant. Depression, anxiety, negativity, procrastination, passive-aggressive behavior, lethargy and many other symptoms can result. Complaining becomes too central to the conversation.  Most of us have responsibilities that are not always “fun” but if we lose our “want to” we can become increasingly negative in our interactions with ourselves and the world around us. 

There is no need to settle into helplessness or long for dreams far out of our reach. Look within your current context and practice looking for, and focusing on, specific “want tos” and build your mood there. Even specific positive details, no matter how seemingly minor, can improve your health.

ALL behavior, all our actions, are “goal oriented”. From micro-goals of getting a drink to relieve thirst to life-long goals that may  not be realized for years. Satisfaction, happiness, or success is constantly monitored as a comparison between internal goals and the objective reality or outcome of our actions. Competence and esteem comes from attaining goals and discouragement and dependence from regular failure to do so. In many ways this means we are always internally “future oriented” in a range from next few seconds to years from now.

So knowing you goals and intentions, consciously, can lead to valuable learning and insight regarding your true effectiveness, how you succeed, why you fail, and how adaptive you are to finding solutions and not getting “hung up” on problems. Like the old saying goes, “if at first you do not succeed...”.  What is your goal? Is it realistic and reasonable? What is the internal (personal) and external outcome you seek? How will you measure it?  

Remember, there is ALWAYS a goal, it is always used to measure satisfaction, and not knowing or understanding it consciously does not mean you will be free from those 2 realities. 

Hello, is anybody there? Life can be alternately crowded and lonely, calm or chaotic. Stress increases the need for either privacy or contact, depending on our preference and available resources.  When life’s really big challenges come, when change or tragedy or even “golden opportunities” come our way, it can help to have someone to talk to. Sort out our thoughts and feelings, get control of our reactions and decision making. Organize plans. 

Some of the opening statements I have heard (statements from  hundreds, thousands, of conversations and not applicable to any one person(s).

I have terminal cancer. My husband is having an affair. My wife is having an affair. I just got laid off. I’m pregnant. I can not get out of bed. I am having panic attacks. Can’t sleep. Thinking about changing careers.  Got a promotion but it means moving my family.  I am gay and have never told anyone. My spouse ..child .. parent is an alcoholic.  My father ... uncle ... brother .. neighbor ... family friend sexually abused me when I was a child. My child was killed and I blame myself. Tragedies mixed with triumphs.  And the ever present family and workplace dramas of many varieties. These and many  more stressors of life and living can lead to discouragement and fears of being out of control ... leading to the two primary psychological dysfunctions - anxiety and / or depression.

The challenges can be severe or mild. Talk therapy can help. I have seen it many times. 

Why is change so hard? Why can’t we do things we know are good for us like exercise, diet and better money management?  What do those who find these things easy do differently? And why are “bad” or harmful behaviors and choices (smoking, excessive alcohol or drug use, affairs, embezzlement, etc) so controlling even if our rational brain knows trouble is coming later. 

This might be all be easier to understand if you think about the power of “rewards” or “reinforcements”. For a behavior to continue or a new behavior to “take root” there must be rewards that “make us want to do it again”. Small pleasurable rewards are just as effective as more substantial ones if it matches the moment. We eat bad food if it contains the right amount of sugar or fat, which is the reward for the body (ah...short term). We are more likely to do a task if there is adequate “good feeling” upon completion. We are also more likely to pursue, or plan ahead, when we “anticipate” the reward to come and are more likely to persevere through adversity.

You can consciously build in adequate rewards, to give you the motivation you need, or increase your awareness of the rewards already there. Delayed gratification means forgoing the immediate “hit” for a more meaningful outcome further down the road (ie quit smoking, a pleasurable activity, for longer term health). Remember, we need short term and longer term reward systems to really improve our function and control. 

At all times we are more controlled, in positive and negative ways, by the pre-existing systems of reward that are part of every thing we do, however minor the activity or behavior. 

Many ponder why long term relationships are so fragile. Fragile either in stability or satisfaction. This includes marriage, parenting, business and friendships. What I see with many couples and parents is a lost art of negotiation. You see, all relationships are a co-creation of various agendas, goals, preferences. When people do not value the role of conscious negotiation, these agendas can become more competitive and conflictual as each party fights for “their way” at the exclusion of others. 

But to work with others and incorporate their preferences in a process of compromise, communication, and decision-making might one time go one way and another time the other. The wisest negotiators know that by working “with” others they are more likely to get more of what they want in the long run. Too aggressive and self-centered or too passive and other-centered can throw a relationship off balance and the end result will often be unsatisfactory. 

So, think longer term. Cultivate patience with others and clarity of your own preferences.  Know what you want but be flexible enough to work with others. Do not force your way each time but do not give in every time and you will have satisfying and enriching relationships that will add value to your life.

The citizens of cultures who make soups a central part of their diet tend to live longer and have more stable relationships than those who do not. 

Soups are a creative enterprise and their benefit to our health is well documented. Not the processed kind full of sodium, but those made in a pot with fresh ingredients and cooked with care and time.  You would never put vinegar in a good soup as it would be ruined, right? 

Now, imagine creating and maintaining your relationships with others in the same way. Vinegar in relationships is self centeredness, deceit, violence, exploitation and a general lack of self control. Examine your inner goals. Learn what you need to do to succeed. Take care of yourself, and those with whom you relate, and you will build a more stable and satisfying life.

I went diggin' in the dirt, for what I knew not. Myself probably. After a moment my thoughts drifted away.

My feelings became softer and then evaporated. They call it "reducing" in chef talk.

And then, up sprang my soul....from the depths. Hidden until the right amount of nurturance from nature. My nature. The natural energy all around me. 

And then there was no me. Just the soil. And my soul. 

Recognizing each other .... quietly.