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Grief Sucks

5/23/2017

He said to me that he needed to grieve. I suggested otherwise. You see, grief is absolutely about resistance. Grief is a fight against the loss, a refusal to accept or adapt to the change in our lives. Grief is a battle in the service of preserving our status quo. Adaptation occurs when we give up that fight and adjust to the change. We let go of what was and reach out for what is now.

Because we do not want to embrace this change, it is natural to fight it. And that is grief. But you know, some things are beyond our control. If we do not adapt, we will become exhausted and burn out. Our life energy will be lost.

So yes, grief sucks. The reason for it almost always sucks. We can hate the burden that it places on us. But, life asks that we keep moving and keep looking forward. There is more to enjoy ahead of us and more losses to come.
It is a universal experience.

Breath deeply, quiet your struggle, and them put one foot forward.

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In Search of ....... Gratitude

5/23/2017

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There is much talk about the pursuit of happiness. We want to be happy, joyful. But too often happiness is like a cool breeze on a summer day. Feels great but does not hang around. And the heat is not cured by its passing by.

Instead, I recommend a focus on gratitude. Sometimes this is not an easy task as the positives might only be a silver lining. But when we look hard enough with an intention of finding some gratitude, something to be thankful for, the rewards can be substantial. This perspective is also, often, more under our control and is an active task instead of a more passive experiencing. Happiness can be too dependent on outside forces beyond our control and for which we can not fully take credit. Many think of their happiness as a materialistic possession. And it may be unstable whereas a grateful attitude can be taken anywhere.

I am not talking about positive thinking or optimism which is also important. But perhaps a thankful outlook brings positivity and optimism to us in a more natural and rewarding way.

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Resilience Part 2

5/12/2017

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I just viewed a video where the motivational speaker was quoting Darwin's Theory on "survival of the fittest (or strongest)". As in prior post, it continues to occur to me that evolution of the earth, our species and even the path of our own lives really depends on "survival of the most adaptive". Those who seek, embrace and welcome change tend to survive and thrive. Those who resist eventually burn out or die out.

Thoughtful adaptation can be quite productive and life giving. Not impulsive or reactive, not driven by stress. But reasoned and controlled change that allows us to flow with the natural courses of change around and within us.

"Who Moved my Cheese" was a best seller. It was about adapting to change.

"The only constant is change." Heraclitus of Ephesus. 500BC

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Resilience

5/8/2017

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From the Psychology Today website. Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows some people to be knocked
down by life and come back stronger than ever. Rather
than letting failure overcome them and drain their resolve,
they find a way to rise from the ashes. Psychologists have
identified some of the factors that make someone resilient,
among them a positive attitude, optimism, the ability to regulate emotions, and the ability to see failure as a form of helpful feedback. Even after misfortune, resilient people are blessed with such an outlook that they are able to change course and soldier on.

As I read this description / definition I realize it is in line with many other definitions of resilience and what it takes to cope better with life’s ups and downs, with tragedy or loss or setbacks. But in identifying traits of people already resilient, I do not think it really gets to the heart of it. What really makes a difference.

So when a client asked me about how to become more resilient, “stronger”, I told them they would have to be more flexible, not tougher. Which trees withstand strong winds the best, the ones that bend, not necessarily the ones with thicker or stronger structure.

When change is forced on us, we resist and cling tightly to status quo, what we are used to and comfortable with. The familiar. We naturally grieve what is lost, as we should to be healthy. But then we adapt and embrace change and move into the ‘new normal’. If we do not, then the act of resistance begins to burn up energy, tire us out and wear us down.

To truly be resilient, we must practice flexibility, adapt to and embrace change, and actively participate in the new normal which is our life at that time. Consider yoga instead of weight lifting. Don't look to spring back, sprig forward.

Btw, when change is wanted then resiliency only comes into play when obstacles and problems arise. Not everything goes as planned and the ability to adapt is essential to ultimate success.

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Expectation and Motivation

1/22/2017

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This short note is about how our motivation and perceived happiness is related to how we are preset to certain mood outcomes and appraisals of our experience. And how that affects our motivation and behavior toward goals. The origins for much of our thoughts on this come from the early Greek philosophers, and the term hedonic. Which means basically that we seek pleasure and avoid pain. To learn more go to: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedonic_motivation.

From past experience, and memory, we develop a complicated set of "expectations". "This is going to be great or this is going to hurt." Positive 'anticipations' or 'dread'. When an experience exceeds our expectations that 'bonus' makes us happy. When expectations are not met we feel disappointed and dissatisfied. This then affects future decisions, motivations, plans and behavior and, over time, is supposed to help us maximize pleasure and minimize pain. It also determines the development of our optimism vs pessimism mindset, excited vs cynical.

A very multilayered topic I know, but do this exercise. Just before an activity, a meeting, a phone call, a meal, a conversation or anything else just take a second and ask yourself what you expect to happen. What is your 'prediction'? Ask yourself what you would actually like to happen, your preference. "How would Iike this to go?" Then see how successfully and intentionally you can work toward creating or navigating your experience as far in the direction of your preferences as possible. After the experience, the moment, then follow up and ask yourself how you did, how much you were able to exercise some control of your experience and its outcome.

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Adapting to Change

12/24/2016

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As 2016 comes to an end, you may find yourself spending some moments reflecting on the past year. For months our psyches have been bombarded with personal, national and international sources of stress, trauma and tragedy. While the wise are cautious to minimize exposure to the constant flow of tragic news, we can not avoid changes imposed on our personal lives. Those changes we seek and accomplish successfully can be celebrated. Those changes forced on us require "coping and adapting".

A renowned researcher on stress, Hans Selye, identified the several stages of adaptation and called it the General Adaption Syndrome . I recommend that you read this short article and familiarize yourself with what is happening to you on a natural level and that your somewhat "universal" experience can be understood. The failure to adapt and the subsequent exhaustion and burnout is often seen as, and can become, clinical depression.
medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/general+adaptation+syndrome

The more we are a aware of the important difference between personal mental/emotional problems vs reactions to life's stresses, the more likely we will be to organize an effective plan for better self care and problem solving.

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Know Yourself

9/19/2016

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There are major advantages to understanding yourself. Your strengths and weaknesses. What relationships are best for you and which careers you should pursue. How to manage your daily life decisions and your long range plans. The Myers Briggs Personality Inventory is one resource rich in data and insight. But be prepared, it is not all flattering and some information might be a little difficult to accept.
Check out this online test to get started. Then sit back and study your results. Take you time and give some thought to each question, even though your gut reaction is probably the most accurate.

www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

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NO

9/18/2016

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Throughout life there are times for reflecting and planning forward, especially toward the end of one stage of life and the beginning of the next. This is a natural process and often contains self-critical elements of “woulda-coulda-shoulda”. These reflections can be a really painful punch in the gut. When awareness like this comes suddenly, it can be a bit shocking and suck all the air out of our self esteem. Learning to think it through however, and balance regrets with objective facts and then appreciations and positives, provides a more comprehensive view and assessment of ourselves and our lives.

You see, over time life also teaches us many things about ourselves. Our strengths and weaknesses. Where we excel and where we fail. We can also intentionally seek out this information. Have you ever researched your Personality Type? Studied the Myers Briggs Personality Inventory? This is something I think everyone and certainly every couple would find interesting, difficult and beneficial. It can even be like seeing a photograph of yourself and thinking “that is not how I look” but indeed it is.

This year a regular insight has been pounding on me. My reluctance to say NO. I can think back now and see occasions where, if I had only said NO, my life and the lives of those I care about might be quite different. No guarantee it would be better, but I think it would be. Studying personality I am reminded that my priority is harmony over conflict. Pleasing others instead of being firmer and tolerating short term conflict. I wish I had been more aware of, and focused on, what I wanted and willing to assert my preferences.

There are of course many benefits and other relationally positive consequences to this way of making decisions. But I deeply regret some very important moments when if I had only said NO, and been more comfortable with conflict, things would be much different and I think much better now. Woulda-coulda-shoulda.

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Changing habits - not easy

6/4/2016

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We create our habits and then, the ones that become problematic, we want to change them. But...not so easy is it. Attacking or attempting to "get rid of" a habit has a high failure rate. Check out this video about a different, more "mindful" approach. Use you creativity and powers of observation to increase your chances of success. Same mindset is also helpful with other issues like anxiety, depression and stress. Good luck.

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Focus Your Attention for More Attitude Control

4/25/2016

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Where you place or direct your attention can make a significant difference in the quality of your mood and your stress management outcomes. So here are some ideas and questions to consider.

Are you more intentional in your focus or more susceptible to reacting to what is “out there”?
When faced with a problem, how much time is spent on the problem (and your reactions to it) vs the solution? Since a plan of action is needed to pursue solutions, are you more likely to do that fairly quickly or take your time? I know that depends heavily on the kind of problem it is and your ability to solve it with the resources you have available.
When faced with a problem how likely are you to spend time blaming yourself and losing focus on the problem itself? (again, influenced by nature of problem quite often).
How likely are you to take control of a plan vs giving control to others?

While we are on this topic, there is something else to think about regarding attention. Are you more self or other focused? In general, people who are more self-focused face a slightly higher risk for depression. Being more other-focused increases your chance of experiencing anxiety. Anxiously trying to please others or struggling with oneself. The balancing point can be tricky to find and maintain, that sweet spot for your in the world of people.

Putting yourself first or last can create imbalance. But, the depressed person often finds that focusing on others, helping others in some way, improves their mood. Anxious people find that quiet time and solitude is a much needed break and good for their soul.

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In this new blog I have added entries from a past website of mine and some new thoughts for your review ... and to hopefully give you something useful to think about. I look forward to hearing from you.

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