Blog Posts

Pursuit of Happiness

2/4/2016

Aunt and niece sharing a funny moment.

One of the basics tenants of our culture is that we are offered the opportunity for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We all wish that pursuit, that hunt, was easier and our efforts more successful. But happiness can be elusive. Partly because it is an emotion, not a static state of mind. It includes joy, excitement, pleasure, positive anticipation and experiences that "exceed our expectations". It is positive energy.

Too often it is fragile and easily destroyed by negativity, loss, the pain of circumstances beyond our control. So, if you want to pursue and capture some happiness in your life:

1. Focus on what you can control, less on what you can not. (a powerful mindset)
2. Keep your expectations realistic, even a bit low at times.
3. Never make it about you or personalize your experience (either in victory or defeat).
4. Take advantage of moments for thinking of others, less about yourself.
5. Enjoy your senses (sight, sound, smell, touch) and look for ways to enhance those experiences.
6. Stop all defensive behavior; explaining, apologizing, justifying.
7. Limit your interactions with negative people.
8. Turn off the news and turn on some comedy videos. YouTube has hundreds.
9. Finally, we must "interpret" the events in our lives and there are many ways to distort reality negatively or settle on false conclusions. Always "test" negative thoughts and look for facts. An objective mind is often a happier, or at least more peaceful, mind.

Reflecting on 2015

1/1/2016

I regularly take moments to reflect on my work and attempt to objectively evaluate its worth. And even more so at the end of the year. To help with that, I added a survey to this website as a way to get feedback. The results are confidential / anonymous and neither I nor the public can see the source. I appreciate all comments. This year, those who took time to comment were Very Satisfied with their experience. I have not heard from those who may have been dissatisfied and I really want to.

The comments help motivate and inspire me. Some were:
Just suited my needs and addressed my situation.
Very calm and easy to talk too. My first time in therapy and not a believer at first. You changed that. Thanks Wayne!
Best therapist I ever saw, made me see things head on.
Strengthened our marriage

This year an increasing source of referral was the Internet. Though this site is relatively simple, many told me that they chose to work with me after reviewing many sites. The second highest source, and my favorite, was referrals from previous clients or friends of clients who knew about their therapy with me.

When we are faced with serious life issues, having someone to talk to can be a comfort. It can help with the challenge of coping with or getting control of one's life after tragedy, loss, or when battling depression or anxiety. It can feel like the help is not enough for us in the field, but then life is hard.

I am looking forward to this next year, even as I can see that the path ahead is shorter than the one that is behind me.

Value of Hope

9/27/2015

aspiration, desire, wish, expectation, ambition, aim, goal, plan

We all know the value of “hope” for our morale. But what is its true value? What makes hope so important and “hopeless” so dangerous when it comes to solving problems or completing tasks. I view hope as “motivation”. That which encourages and supports action, especially when effort toward a difficult goal is needed. Hope is courage. Hope is future oriented and research has confirmed that the more successful among us at accomplishing goals are naturally future-oriented. As an invaluable source of motivation, hope spurs us forward.

By comparison, what happens to your forward momentum when the possibility of reaching a goal does not seem possible? No matter how hard you try your efforts will not be successful. “Spinning your wheels” perseverance will only burn you out. You lose confidence in the outcome of your efforts or pursuit of desires. Action becomes inaction and passivity. And hopelessness takes over, deteriorating our morale and our actions. Depression can set in.

Finally, what do we do then with unreachable but important goals? We “accept” reality, leading to a kind of peace that hopelessness can never provide. Do not take it personally or “make it about you”. We then redirect our efforts back to the possible and continue our trek forward toward new goals. Self control is then enhanced and a new energy can emerge.

Th Serenity Prayer is a simplified version of my thoughts above.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Forced...not Chosen

9/13/2015

I have written about the sometimes extreme difference between focusing your attention and efforts on things you can not control vs what you can control. Seeing people make that shift was impressive in how much less stress they experienced and how much more empowered they felt.

But, looking back over the years and hundreds of sessions, a primary reason people felt so disempowered and stressed is that the problems they were confronted with were not "chosen". Having to find a way to cope was made very difficult because these problems, illnesses, life changes and traumas were "forced" on them. They were not wanted. Were not voluntary. The consequences were often devastating. In the beginning, and sometimes for a long time, forced "adjustments" rarely feel very good or satisfying. And the resulting reality is usually engaged with very reluctantly.

I know there are some who believe in the philosophy of free will and that "things happen for a reason". That we create our own reality. But that is often just a mindset that offers the "illusion of control". For most it is after adjustments have been made that we go about looking for how to "make the best of it" or find some "positives". But tragedies offer few positives, just the rather humbling awareness that security can be fleeting and that, in truth, life is hard. That it takes a lot of effort to have as much as possible under your control. That tomorrow things could change without your permission. No one escapes, it happens to us all, so at least do not take it personally.

Depression

5/15/2015

A Dark Time
I received this note recently. A personal account of a dark time.

It happened fairly gradually at first. I did not recognize what was happening, but looking back I can now trace my descent into a very dark place. It began with irritability that seemed normal. Of course I had a reason to be mad, and felt that every angry thought was justified. Impatience. I was becoming more emotionally reactive in a negative way. Critical of others constantly.

Then my thoughts became increasingly flooded with past regrets and resentments. Mistakes I had made. I was at times intensely self critical, so much that I began to feel totally worthless and that I should go ahead and end my life now. Instead I drank more and would watch bad tv for hours. My withdrawal from family, friends and the world in general escalated to the point that I just wanted to be left alone. Mornings were the worst. Waking at 4 am with all these demons in my head was horrible.

Seeing people who were happy was particularly painful. As if everyone in the world was feeling good but me. That is a deep loneliness that I can not really describe. Just emotionally painful.

I finally sought out help even though I was sure it was a waste of time. In that process I learned that this was a mood disorder and finding the origin might or might not be helpful, but I needed to know that most all of my symptoms are felt by others that are depressed. Depression. Some causes are family history. Serious life losses or unresolved grief. Prolonged stress. Medical conditions that might facilitate depression, and in my case, the side effect of a new medicine.

This mood had begun to feel permanent and like I had always felt this way. But then I remembered being relatively happy not that long ago. Around then a small light began to grow and the darkness began to fade a bit. To be able to say to myself “I know what this is” was a big step forward in regaining control of my mood, my thoughts and my life.

I now know how scary this condition can be and feel lucky that my solution was within my control. For me, objective information and awareness was key. I now have a fuller appreciation for the good days and how to manage the difficult ones better.

You Won't Believe What Happened Next....

2/27/2015

A brief commentary on how we can be entertained, manipulated or even seduced into trouble. Do you really have free will? The headline above, and many variations thereof, are all the rage in social media these days and companies using this technique are making millions from ad revenue once they entice you to visit their website. They are "hooks" to reel you in.

Politics, economy, national security. Boring. Hollywood drama, kittens and puppies, or optical illusions capture our attention. Attention for which there is massive competition. And mostly there is no harm, nothing illegal or unethical. Just highly effective advertising. Maybe wasted time online or letting outside companies get access to your internet interest, log in data or other vulnerabilities. It might also speak to our rabid need for stimulation and social interaction. But mainly it is our weakness for wanting to know "what's behind Door # 3?".

If you have read some of my other posts, you know the issue of self-control is a central principle. The next time you are tempted by this very effective style of headline, test it and see if you can resist. And especially if your "friends" are sharing it with you as if it is something you "have to see". Do you really have free will?

And finally, perhaps the rise in this style of advertising speaks to our need for, and appreciation of, anything that is inspirational, uplifting or just fun. Even though these are used as bait, we certainly can use more positive human interest stories. And videos of kittens playing.

Change of Mind

2/17/2015

She sat down and, for the first time in weeks, seemed very excited to be in my office. Then began the report of a significant change of mindset. From thinking her whole life that she needed "other people" to change in order for her to be happy to realizing that she could control and change her reactions to others instead. She felt very empowered by taking responsibility for her own actions and becoming less "dependent" on others.

This idea had previously created an assumption that self blame and self criticism would replace blaming and being critical of others. But now she could see her life situations more rationally and realized it was not about all that. Nothing had to change about her toxic work environment or her moody / substance abusing boyfriend.
Her family did not need to become more supportive. Now, changes in all those areas would have been great, but she had been waiting on external circumstances change for a long time. And the result was frustration, disappointment and pain.

Taking responsibility for her "reactions" to all this gave her more choices. Options. More self control of her life experience. More successful outcomes. More "letting go" of what she could not control. No more feeling like a victim. Less of the primitive "fight or flight" options that stress creates. She said "I feel like a grown up!". Not bad for a 40 year old. And people noticed. Her friend asked "new medicine or new boyfriend?" She said, "no, just an emerging new me".

In fact she soon discontinued, with help from her doctor, her multiple psychiatric medicines, stopped talking with her now ex-boyfriend, and accepted an offer for a new job in another state, not as a running away this time but as a moving toward the life she had begun to envision. And in her free time she was now off the couch and "out and about" with her new camera.

Happy?

1/4/2015

As you might imagine, every day therapists watch people struggle with the pursuit of happiness. Some successes, some failures. It sometimes seems like trying to hold the wind in your hand. And because it is a feeling, a perception, it is constantly in flux anyway and not a static state of mind for most of us.

I have already written some about the role of personal control in feeling happy and satisfied with one's life. But there is another "secret" and it might surprise you.

The role of "expectation". And specific expectations, not larger generalizations. If an experience exceeds your expectation, we tend to feel positive or happy about that experience. Or remember it that way. And if an experience fails to meet our preset expectations, then we tend to feel dissatisfied.

Managing expectations and keeping them more realistic is what the more content among us do. High expectations are hazardous because there is a greater risk of them not being met. The experience would then be evaluated by how the experience failed to meet them than what the actual experience was at the time. A client once told me that he always thought "high goals" would motivate him to achieve more, until he became more aware of the constant and negative "fear of failure" that it produced. The avoidance of negative instead of the pursuit of positive. When he lowered his aim, there was built in "positive reinforcement" for each success and his performance not only increased but he felt much better about it and looked forward to the next challenge. And when he began to coach his employees in this way of thinking, turnover and behavior problems practically disappeared. And production gradually grew.

I will write later about "bias" (personal belief) and how we tend to hold onto expectations created from past experience even when our current experience is different.

Finally, I just watched a TedTalk video featuring the research of Daniel Kahneman. For additional details and another perspective you might find his work interesting.

Concentration

11/19/2014

Operator: "911, what is your emergency?"
Caller: "My concentration is shot!"

Ever felt this way? Stress and mood problems can affect our brains in many ways. Some are obvious and notorious, but some sneak up on us. One symptom in that sneaky category is impaired concentration. You may actually feel like you "can't think straight". Memory is impaired, especially short term. Decision making becomes mysteriously difficult. Organizing plans into a sequence of actions seems overwhelming and, as a result, necessary action on a range of life issues and tasks goes undone. This can lead to impulsive (not well thought out) decisions or excessive procrastination which can be a psychological straightjacket.

Many turn to medications for help. Results are mixed. Some meds actually create even more fogginess and sluggishness of thought. So be sure to talk about this with your doctor.

Other factors that can help tremendously.
1. Stop and deal with feelings or problems that have created this issue.
2. Get plenty of exercise
3. Make sure you are sleeping well. Get help if needed.
4. Perhaps get a physical exam and find out if there are other health related actions you can take.
5. Start eating better. Stress eating feels good for a few minutes but really makes the problem worse and adds additional problems to the mix. This includes overuse of alcohol or drugs.
6. Turn off the television and declutter your environment.
7. Reduce multitasking.
8. Avoid negative people.
9. Practice externalizing your attention. Do not get too "stuck" inside yourself.
10. And, my favorite, do every thing you can to put most of your attention on what you can control and much less on what you can not. Doing this wrong will wreak havoc on your life.

Not About Me (or You)

8/20/2014

Problem solving can be tricky. When faced with a problem one sure way to make it even more difficult is to make it about you. This quickly becomes a second, and often more complicated, problem taking your attention away for solving the original one.

When things happen in our lives one of our primary instincts is to react. Assess the impact and decide what action to take, if any. So we interpret, analyze, explain, justify, defend, etc. We sometimes fall into habitual roles like victor or victim. We naturally feel and think about things, but sometimes our reactions control all of our attention and energy. Objectivity, a primary approach to efficiency, is lost.

An insecure ego is quick to take credit or quick to take blame.
A healthy ego needs neither.
Your ego can become healthier just by choosing not to take either.

For more information on this topic, check out Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman or Mindset by Carol Dweck. Both are also on YouTube.

Goal

In this new blog I have added entries from a past website of mine and some new thoughts for your review ... and to hopefully give you something useful to think about. I look forward to hearing from you.

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