In a recent Car Talk column, written by Tom & Ray Magliozzi, a woman had written seeking advice on how to repair the wheels on her car that had begun to rust. While functionally safe, it was the appearance that gave her bad feelings about the car. They gave her several options, including doing nothing. But then they made a much more important point. They urged her to do something because "if you begin to hate your car (for whatever reason) you'll take lousy care of it. ...you'll stop fixing things. Then you stop maintaining things. You subconsciously turn it into a piece of junk so you can justify getting rid of it."
Whether it is car tires, a home, a relationship, our school work or careers, if bad feelings set in and attempts to solve problems fail, we "stop maintaining things". For example, a student might adopt an "I don't care" attitude out of frustration and a need to "reduce the pain" by caring less. But then work they were capable of doing also goes undone. Our "attitude" becomes more critical, negative. Bad feelings, dissatisfactions, create a growing disconnect as we emotionally distance ourselves and begin looking for "greener pastures". Something better. Something to feel good about. It might mean selling the car when spending a small sum to fix the tires was a better solution.
We need to be aware of our feelings but then "think things through" before making a decision. If by doing so we invest our time and energy to improving things, and get quality results, we will then feel better and "more connected". Ever wash and vacuum your car and then while out for a drive "feel like it is running much better than before"? Or get through a difficult conversation and then feel closer to the other?
Lastly, I am sometimes asked about how to be happier and have been working on a definition of that feeling that would inform a plan. For now, to keep it simple, I have settled on "exceeds expectations". If the outcome of our efforts or involvements exceeds our predictions, we feel good. If the woman in the article has high expectations, then she will be in continuous conflict and never satisfied. That is a more comprehensive topic for future discussion.
Whether it is car tires, a home, a relationship, our school work or careers, if bad feelings set in and attempts to solve problems fail, we "stop maintaining things". For example, a student might adopt an "I don't care" attitude out of frustration and a need to "reduce the pain" by caring less. But then work they were capable of doing also goes undone. Our "attitude" becomes more critical, negative. Bad feelings, dissatisfactions, create a growing disconnect as we emotionally distance ourselves and begin looking for "greener pastures". Something better. Something to feel good about. It might mean selling the car when spending a small sum to fix the tires was a better solution.
We need to be aware of our feelings but then "think things through" before making a decision. If by doing so we invest our time and energy to improving things, and get quality results, we will then feel better and "more connected". Ever wash and vacuum your car and then while out for a drive "feel like it is running much better than before"? Or get through a difficult conversation and then feel closer to the other?
Lastly, I am sometimes asked about how to be happier and have been working on a definition of that feeling that would inform a plan. For now, to keep it simple, I have settled on "exceeds expectations". If the outcome of our efforts or involvements exceeds our predictions, we feel good. If the woman in the article has high expectations, then she will be in continuous conflict and never satisfied. That is a more comprehensive topic for future discussion.
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